Essays

I have, in my time, been enlisted in the production of several essays; far more than I care to remember. This is an affliction that most every student can sympathize with. But not everyone in that demographic concocts their own secret recipe of success, tried and true for every paper they've set their pen to. (Y'know, or keyboard they've flitted their fingers across.)

My favorite example is the persuasive essay. Most teachers will present you with the standard five-paragraph format:

1. Introduction - where you give a broad view of your general statement; this is good, this is bad, this is better, blah blah blah

2. First of three supporting arguments to your topic

3. Second of three supporting arguments

4. Third and final of three supporting arguments

5. Conclusion - where you offer a final, passing summary of why whatever you said originally is true

Each paragraph has a minimum of three or four sentences - usually they don't go into how many words comprise a sentence and how many letters are expected to make up those words. But they offer you a strict enough paradigm that perfectly adhering to that, coming up with a solid point of view and at least three different, staunch arguments to back it up can score you a passing grade. 

What if your arguments aren't that great? What if a passing grade isn't good enough? What if you just want to go above and beyond, being a nerd similar to myself? 

Well then, you need some embellishments. Some fancy words and elegant phrasing to disguise the fact that you have little substance to your argument. This won't work for, say, a trial, and maybe not an exam past middle school. But it generally can't hurt unless your teacher is a serious fan of Hemingway. 

Monosyllabic words, while there are some splendid ones, won't always beef up the bare bones unless you twist them up into prose. Phrases like flecks of rain or wisps of smoke are iambic and all, but sometimes you can't be bothered with cogitating poetry, especially if your writing has a time limit. So the simple answer, the most meager of enhancements is - drum roll - vocabulary. 

Not ridiculous vocabulary, like the utterly useless words I've been (fairly) accused of spouting. Things like comiconomenclaturist and tatterdemalion will, while probably forcing your teacher to resort to the dictionary, occasionally so successfully baffle them that they might question the nature of your facts and even mark down your grade. You need to be judicious. Allot just the proper amount of sophistication to  augment your work without overpowering it. 

While I could offer a list of such words, the best resource, without forcing me to resort to a very long and very boring post of my improving words, is a thesaurus. Take the simple word you were planning to insert and fish around for a more intelligent synonym. It'll work wonders on your paper, I semi-guarantee. (Just because I can't be traced doesn't mean I'll risk my reputation with an indubitable statement.)

And with that offering, measly though it may be, I bid you goodnight. (For me, that is, because you could be reading this whenever. Do not take my closing as an excuse to turn in early or take a nap when you have obligations to attend to. In fact, let's revise it.) I bid you good whenever.